7 Steps

A timely word is like apples of gold in a setting of silver, Proverbs 25:11

To respond to the article below email David King

Why are there so many single people in the church which are past the age range within which they expected to marry? Is it because God is putting them all through a test of ‘waiting’, or is there more to it? I am of the latter opinion and believe that there are definite hindrances along the path of life which prevent people from finding a lifetime partner.

In other words, I believe that some people are not married today because something is keeping them back or delaying their progress in finding a partner.

This should not be of any surprise to us, as most Bible characters experienced opposition in some form whilst attempting to live for the Lord. The examples below of Daniel and Paul illustrate this point.

Then said he unto me, Fear not, Daniel: for from the first day that thou didst set thine heart to understand, and to chasten thyself before thy God, thy words were heard, and I am come for thy words.
But the prince of the kingdom of Persia withstood me one and twenty days: but, lo, Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me; and I remained there with the kings of Persia.

The answer to Daniel’s prayer was delayed for 21 days due to warfare in the spiritual realm.

But we, brethren, being taken from you for a short time in presence, not in heart, endeavoured the more abundantly to see your face with great desire.
Wherefore we would have come unto you, even I Paul, once and again; but Satan hindered us.

I want you to know, brethren, that I have often intended to come to you (but thus far have been prevented), in order that I may reap some harvest among you as well as among the rest of the Gentiles. (RSV)

For I will not dare to speak of any of those things which Christ hath not wrought by me, to make the Gentiles obedient, by word and deed,
Through mighty signs and wonders, by the power of the Spirit of God; so that from Jerusalem, and round about unto Illyricum, I have fully preached the gospel of Christ.
Yea, so have I strived to preach the gospel, not where Christ was named, lest I should build upon another man's foundation:
But as it is written, To whom he was not spoken of, they shall see: and they that have not heard shall understand.
For which cause also I have been much hindered from coming to you.

Paul recognised that he had often been hindered from visiting the Romans and experienced much hindrance to his preaching of the Gospel in general; however, Paul does not name the hindrance(s) here as in I Thessalonians.

Many Christians agree, that the decision we make concerning the issue of marriage is the second most important decision in life, the first being the decision to accept/reject God’s offer of Salvation.

Now, we know that Satan will attack where the most important issue of life is concerned, why then should we be surprised about his attack in the area we consider the second most important? However, we should be careful not to lay all the blame upon Satan, but ensure that we accept responsibility for our own actions and the resulting consequences thereof.

Listed below are the 7 hindrances which will form the subject of my writings for the coming months:

One of the major reasons why many single people are caught in the cycle of perpetual involuntary singleness, is because they are trying to find a partner on their own. I call this DIY Mentality. It is a mind set produced by western culture, which causes individuals to believe that they alone are responsible for finding themselves a partner. Usually, it is not until a person becomes engaged, that family, close friends and pastors become involved with such relationships. For example, pre-marital counsel is commendably given by some churches to its members, yet for many couples the counsel comes too late to adequately help them.

In the Bible we find a number of examples of how couples met and how God worked through key people to help bring the couple together.

COUPLE	INSTRUMENTAL PEOPLE	SCRIPTURE
Isaac & Rebekah	Abraham, his eldest servant, Laban and Bethuel	Genesis 24
Jacob & Leah/Rachel	Isaac, Rebekah and Laban	Genesis 27:41-46 Genesis 28:1-5 Genesis 29:1-30
Joseph & Asenath	Pharaoh	Genesis 41:45
Moses & Zipporah	Jethro (aka Reuel)	Exodus 2:11-22
Samson & wife	Manoah and wife	Judges 14:1-10
Ruth & Boaz	Naomi	Ruth 2 - 4
Esther & King Ahasuerus (aka King Xerxes)	Servants and officers of King Ahasuerus, Hegai and Mordecai	Esther 2:1-18
David & Michal	Saul, his servants and possibly others	1 Samuel 18:20-28

Although the circumstances in which the couples were brought together vary considerably, upon studying the scriptures one cannot deny the common thread which runs through them, i.e. God caused at least one other person to be instrumental in bringing the couple together. You may also notice that Adam and Eve were not included in the chart; this is simply because their circumstances are unique. Adam and Eve were brought together directly by God, at a time when no other humans existed, and of course, God still brings couples together directly today, according to His will.

In western culture, we tend to take pride in the fact that we are free to do what we like in the area of relationships, i.e. we can go out with whom we like, and we can marry whom we like etc. In essence this is good, but unfortunately this freedom has become a snare, even to many good Christian people. Derek Prince says of western culture:

According to a recent survey of Britain's singles, 1 in 5 (about 2 million singles) have used a Dating Agency to try to find a partner. Do you realise what this is saying? It is saying, that at least one in five of the single adults in Britain, have come to the point in their lives at least once, where they have been willing to openly acknowledge that they need help to find a partner. Of course, this should be of no surprise to Bible believers, as we have already discussed how normal this is. Ironically, many of these same people, would no doubt turn their noses up at the thought of parents helping them to find a partner.

No system of arranging marriages is flawless, however as Derek Prince states concerning the same:

Not all the Bible characters observed the right principles concerning marriage (e.g. Samson), and those who were supposed to help them find partners, were not always so helpful (e.g. King Saul), however our duty is to learn from them as the scripture says:

Parents should pray for and purposely make themselves available to help their children to find partners, whatever their age (Isaac was 40 when he married, his father, Abraham being 140).

Unfortunately, parents are not always likely to carry out their responsibility in this area without encouragement, therefore Pastors need to be prepared to strongly encourage them to fulfill this responsibility, providing teaching and training where necessary.

Where the parent is unwilling to carry out this role, or is unavailable or incapable of doing it, I believe it then falls to Pastors to ensure that singles in their churches are given appropriate help in this area. As a guideline, it is scriptural for mature men to instruct young men and mature women to instruct young women in certain specific areas (see Titus 2:1-9). Of course, many singles may not need help to find a partner, however, Pastors should be aware that many who need the help are embarrassed to request it. Also, some singles may not realise they need help, until it is offered to them.

Singles (who desire to get married) should not let embarrassment or pride prevent them from availing themselves of parental and pastoral help as appropriate. They should acknowledge that the relationship they have with their parents will have a tremendous effect on the success or failure of their life, including the finding of a lifetime partner [Ephesians 6:1-3].

Also, don’t forsake fellowship with God’s people [Hebrews 10:25]; since you wish to marry one of them, then ensure that you keep company with them. People normally tend to marry someone whom they already know and with whom they are already friends to some degree. Therefore if your closest friends are either unsaved, or are Christians in name only, [I Corinthians 5:11] it is much easier to ‘fall in love’ with the wrong person.

Self-Esteem is essentially how you feel about yourself. It is not so much about who you are and what you have, but your perception of who you are and what you have, which is largely influenced by life experiences and our emotions at the time. The term was coined by the psychologist, Dr Stanley Coopersmith of Davis, California. To Coopersmith, esteem does not mean pride, but honest, realistic perception. He says that self-esteem must include these qualities: competence, significance, virtue and power.

Many singles are experiencing low self-esteem for a variety of reasons. As a result they are failing to exercise faith in God to bring the right partner into their life. Let us consider two very different scenarios:

Scenario 1 - An individual is in a relationship which they expected to lead to marriage, then suddenly the relationship fails.

Scenario 2 - An individual experiences abuse as a child and now as an adult is seeking to get married.

In both scenarios, the individual is likely to experience low self-esteem, which unless dealt with in the scriptural manner, may cause the following typical results:

Scenario 1 - the individual launches straight into another relationship with the next person that comes along, which also fails within a few months.

Scenario 2 - the individual is attracted to a partner who turns out to be an abuser, thus the individual comes to accept abuse as being a normal part of their life.

Experiencing temporary low self-esteem due to a bad experience is not abnormal. It is wallowing in it and refusing to deal with it that is dangerous. Thank God we are part of God’s family where we have brothers and sisters to help us through our difficult times, as the scripture says:

However, we should not only rely upon help from our brothers and sisters, we should consider the following examples from the lives of David and the sons of Korah, who encouraged themselves during low periods in their lives.

Now David was greatly distressed, for the people spoke of stoning him, because the soul of all the people was grieved, every man for his sons and his daughters. But David strengthened himself in the LORD his God. [I Samuel 30:6]

Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God. [Psalms 43:5]

Using the four qualities stated earlier, F.J. Greve makes the following four statements,to show how important and scriptural these qualities are for Christians.³ They also give us confidence to know, that in Christ, our self-esteem can be restored to the right level through the Word and the Spirit of God.

…..as many as are led by the Spirit of God…….are sons of God. [Romans 8:14]

….you are in Christ Jesus, who became for us….righteousness…. [I Corinthians 1:30]

…..you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be witnesses to Me……. [Acts 1:8]

Therefore, be encouraged singles, you are very valuable to God. He has not forgotten you and He has someone special for you. You can marry the person God wants you to marry. Believe in His purpose for your life, don’t cheapen yourself and don’t settle for anything less than God’s best.

One major reason why many individuals cannot find a partner, is because their reputation is tarnished. In other words, an individual may find that their past behaviour is now a present hindrance in their life, warding off many potential suitors.

Of course, one’s reputation is not only a hindrance to finding a partner, it can be a hindrance to ministry. Let us look at two New Testament examples:

Before his conversion, Saul had developed a terrible reputation with the church. He had publicly given his approval to the stoning of Stephen (Acts 8:1) and as the scriptures below show, Saul behaved very badly, even by wordly standards.

….Saul…..made havoc of the church, entering every house, and dragging off men and women, committing them to prison. [Acts 8:3]

Then Saul, still breathing threats and murder against the disciples of the Lord, went to the high priest and asked letters from him to the synagogues of Damascus, so that if he found any who were of the Way, whether men or women, he might bring them bound to Jerusalem. [Acts 9:1-2]

And when Saul had come to Jerusalem, he tried to join the disciples; but they were all afraid of him, and did not believe that he was a disciple. But Barnabas took him and brought him to the apostles. And he declared to them how he had seen the Lord on the road, and that He had spoken to him, and how he had preached boldly at Damascus in the name of Jesus. So he was with them at Jerusalem, coming in and going out. And he spoke boldly in the name of the Lord Jesus and disputed against the Hellenists, but they attempted to kill him. [Acts 9:26-29]

We see then, that Saul still had to deal with the consequences resulting from his past behaviour. However, he learnt from his experiences and after many years of living the Christian life, wrote to Timothy listing the qualifications necessary for a person who desires to be a bishop. He mentions the following:

A bishop…..must be….of good behaviour…..Moreover he must have a good testimony among those who are outside, lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil. [I Timothy 3:2,7]

When Saul (whom we shall now refer to as Paul) was ready to go on his second mission journey with Barnabas, he refused to take John Mark on the trip with them, because John Mark had not remained with them throughout the first mission.

Then after some days Paul said to Barnabas, "Let us now go back and visit our brethren in every city where we have preached the word of the Lord, and see how they are doing." Now Barnabas was determined to take with them John called Mark. But Paul insisted that they should not take with them the one who had departed from them in Pamphylia, and had not gone with them to the work. Then the contention became so sharp that they parted from one another. And so Barnabas took Mark and sailed to Cyprus; but Paul chose Silas and departed, being commended by the brethren to the grace of God. And he went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches. [Acts 15:36-41]

Whereas Paul’s reputation as a sinner was a hindrance to his early days of ministry, John Mark’s reputation as a Christian almost prevented him from fulfilling his missionary calling. Thank God for Barnabas, the Son of Encouragement, who as with Saul, comes to the rescue of John Mark (who was his relative). John Mark went on to prove himself in ministry, so much that Paul commends him to the Colossian brethren [Col.4:10]. However, an even greater feat is that he wrote the Gospel of Mark.

A typical scenario in many churches goes like this: A young man and young woman whom we will call Pete and Heather, attend the same church. They like each other, yet skip the building of a solid friendship and suddenly launch into an intense romantic (but not sexual) relationship. They are not really prepared for such a relationship, and not even nearly ready for marriage, yet they are bubbling with feelings for each other.

The conduct of the ‘couple’ then changes: they now come to church together each week, sit beside each other in church, leave church together and you hardly see one without the other. Then suddenly, 18 months later, it all goes pear-shaped. For one reason or other the couple split.

Eventually Pete finds someone else and gets married, while Heather is left, still getting over the hurt and pain. Heather desires to be married and thus she is now on the look for someone else with whom to begin a relationship. It is around this time that Heather begins to see value (which she had previously ignored) in one of her long-time platonic friends and becomes interested in this friend as a potential marriage partner. However, when she tries to initiate a deeper friendship with this friend (who may have been happy to accept her 18 months ago), she gets a cold reception. Why? Because that friend now feels very uncomfortable about starting a relationship with her, due to her very public relationship with Pete.

Heather then proceeds to have one or two more relationships like the one with Pete, which don’t work out. Five years and 3 men later, Heather will find that most of her single, platonic friends (usually the safest group from which to select a partner), have no interest in her because of her reputation.

Of course, every relationship Heather entered, she honestly expected it to lead to marriage. She would never have become so involved in them had she known they would have turned out the way they did. But, that’s the point, we cannot become so presumptuous to believe that relationships can’t go wrong even when we feel certain that God is leading. We must therefore enter all relationships with utmost sobriety and without haste. I should also add, that the experience of Heather is one which both men and women can pass through.

If you can identify with Heather, you may be asking, "What should I do now to rebuild my reputation? My advice is:

Remember, Paul rebuilt his reputation, John Mark rebuilt his reputation, you can too!

Some singles have not yet found a partner, because they are living outside the will of God for their lives. If we live outside the will of God, it should be of no surprise to us if things don’t work out as we expect. We won’t be at the right place at the right time to make that new friend or meet that person who may be just right for you or me. Discovering your God-given purpose is essential to a successful life, i.e. discovering what God has specifically created you for and thus called you to do [Ephesians 1:18b]. In fact, you may never meet that ‘right person’ until you discover and begin to walk in God’s purpose, because the right person is going to be someone who relates to that purpose.

Purpose is sometimes discovered progressively, thus we must be prepared to walk in the light that we have until the Lord gives us more light. Once we are walking in the light of God’s Word and His revealed will, we are then in a position to specifically look at how God’s will applies to the matter of trying to find a partner.

I have identified three common approaches taken by various Christians worldwide. I have given each a name and briefly describe the basic approach each represents. They are as follows:

THE UNLIMITED CHOICE APPROACH (UCA)
You can marry whoever you wish, as long as it is a relationship approved by scripture. e.g. the person you marry should always be a Christian [I Corinthians 7:39b].

THE LIMITED CHOICE APPROACH (LCA)
God will bring several potential suitors across your path in life, and using the wisdom and judgement He has given to you, you make your own choice.

THE NO CHOICE APPROACH (NCA)
God, being omniscient, knows the best person for you to marry and will lead you to that person if you continue to walk in His will. Once God has made His choice clear to you, as a true disciple of Christ, you willingly accept the choice God has made for you.

UCA
First of all let me say that I don’t believe in the UCA, as it represents the lowest level of God’s will. The calling of God on our lives is so serious, that the UCA seems far too cavalier for a serious Christian. Since God created us to fulfil His unique purpose, then surely He must have a plan concerning whom we should marry, as a bad choice is likely to hinder His purpose. I truly believe that the more we come to understand our purpose and calling, the more we may find that there are relatively few people that would make a good marriage partner for us. Also, exercising ourselves to the unrestrained freedom which comes with the UCA, can also bring a snare. Sadly, many individuals have ended up marrying someone who looked, smelt and acted the part well, but turned out to be poor marriage material. However, God is gracious and some who have taken this approach have experienced successful marriages.

LCA and NCA
I believe both the LCA and the NCA are true representations of the way God’s people have found His will for their lives in modern day. Unfortunately, because we don’t know in advance which approach God will use with us, we can easily miss God’s will for our lives. For example, an individual who believes exclusively in the LCA may find that God chooses to use the NCA with them. Thus, the individual is presented with God’s will as clear as crystal, yet chooses not to do it, believing ‘someone better’ will come along. Friend, when you have rejected ‘God’s Best’, how can someone better come along? Of course, God will still do his best for the individual and eventually they may find someone and marry, but they might never achieve the success in their life and ministry that God intended. Even more sad, is that some individuals will go on to make disastrous choices of partners. Yet others, twenty years later, find themselves still single - no-one better ever came along (shock! shock!). Well, who can we blame when things like this happen? God? No! We should accept the consequences of our own disobedient actions, repent, ask God to have mercy on us and seek His will afresh.

Derek Prince, one of the world’s most respected Bible teachers, describes in his book God is a Matchmaker, how God led him into marriage, twice. He first married Lydia, then after she went to be with the Lord, he married Ruth, who is now also with the Lord. In both of his detailed descriptions, it becomes quite clear that God used the NCA with Derek Prince in both instances. Also, in neither instance was he ‘in love’ with the lady at the time God revealed His will, but because of his willingness to obey, God caused him to ‘fall in love’ with the person prior to marriage. He reports that both his marriages were happy, successful and fruitful. The first one lasted nearly thirty years and the second one twenty years. His example reminds me of the scripture:

"If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land." [Isaiah 1:19]

For some individuals, God has one person prepared specifically for them. This person will prove to be the best spouse for that individual and for God’s glory, than anyone else. God reveals and confirms His choice to the individual, who is then free to accept or reject His choice. However, in such cases, the individual has no choice regarding the person they should marry - if they wish to remain in God’s perfect will [Romans 12:2].

Sometimes God may permit the relationship to develop naturally (causing some people to see this as the UCA or the LCA). However, if the relationship is not going to happen naturally, then God will do something supernatural to initiate it. By the way, the supernatural does not always have to be spectacular [I Kings 19:11-12].

Where God uses the NCA, both parties would have to be in agreement for the marriage to take place. i.e. God will always work on both ends of the chain. You should not have to convince the person that you’re ‘the one’ for him or her, so don’t even try! If God convinced you, then He will convince them. Sometimes, there is a time delay on one person’s part, but it is unlikely to be a lengthy delay. Therefore, if you feel that God has spoken to you concerning someone and there is a long delay in response on the other person’s part, I would tend to believe that it is not of God. Beware of allowing your emotions to be taken for a long ride, only to find that the object of your affections marries someone else 15 months later. God knows the intense emotions that are involved when someone is in love, so He is not normally going to initiate something in you and not do it in the other person within a reasonable time. What is a reasonable time? You decide with the wisdom God has given you! The more I hear stories of people waiting for long periods of time for a particular person, the more suspicious I become that the individual has simply set their heart on someone and allowed their emotions to get out of hand. Remember, your emotions are not Lord, only Jesus is Lord!

I need to state clearly that the NCA is not a ‘blind-folded’ approach, you still have to prayerfully evaluate the person God has presented to you with the wisdom he has given you, as confirmation that you are genuinely hearing from God. Neither is this approach a non-romantic approach, but sometimes the romance is only initiated when the individual lays down their own will and permits God to complete the work He has started. Romance is like hot water. It can come instantly from your tap or you can heat cold water in a kettle until it is hot. Likewise, whether it is love at first sight or the love grows gradually, when you’re in love, you’re in love! Be very careful not to esteem one manner of falling in love above the other.

I recommend that you take each potential person that crosses your path very seriously. Prayerfully evaluate them in all areas of their lives. Ask God for his guidance and only marry a person when you are satisfied that they ‘score high’ in all the most essential areas. Analyse their character: How do they respond to pressure? Do they know God’s purpose for their life? Are they walking in that purpose? Do they really love the Lord? Do they really care about you? Are they living soberly, righteously and godly? You have to ask the hard questions - the questions that people ‘in love’ don’t really want to ask. Another reason to take every potential person seriously is because you don’t know how many good potentials will cross your path. Some people at one point in their life found that they were spoilt for choice, then went on to spend 10 years in a dry land!

One thing is certain, whichever approach we are presented with, you and I are going to need God’s guidance. We are also going to need to cultivate a close relationship with the Lord, so we can really know when it is He who is leading. Be careful not to exert your will against God’s, by insisting on fulfilling your own selfish desires - the Israelites did just that and God gave them their desires…….but at a price!

"……they did not wait for His counsel, But lusted exceedingly in the wilderness, and tested God in the desert. And He gave them their request, but sent leanness into their soul." [Psalms 106:13b-15]

We must remember that the Christian life is not about what we want, but what the Lord wants. Jesus said:

"……..If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." [Matthew 16:24-25]

Of course, we all have a list of criteria which we expect the person we marry to measure up to, but the scriptures say:

"There are many plans in a man's heart, nevertheless the LORD'S counsel-- that will stand." [Proverbs 19:21]

We have to be very careful when seeking a partner, that our heart does not become arrogant, like the people described below by James:

"Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit"; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that. But now you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil." [James 4:13-16]

I think one of the most important prayers we can pray concerning a marriage partner, is the one Jesus prayed in the garden of Gethsemane,

Why not begin adding that short sentence to your prayers for a partner and see what a difference it makes.

Another reason for such widespread singleness, is because many people have misunderstood what it means to wait on the Lord. I define Waiting on the Lord as follows:

Living for the Lord continually and serving Him faithfully in all things, whilst waiting for Him to do or provide something specific you have asked him for, which He has not yet done or provided, because He has decided that it is not the right time do it.

However, any teaching can be taken to extreme. I thank God for those who are teaching singles not to waste their single life and not to miss out on living life to the full, just waiting around for marriage. However, some are over-emphasising this teaching to the point that they are causing singles who wish to be married to feel guilty! This is unscriptural. If a person has a desire to be married that is a good desire,

No-one should try to put someone off or try to make them feel as though they should not be actively seeking to get married. The scriptures say we should seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness [Matt.6:33] not seek only the kingdom of God and His righteousness. It is true that some people got married even though they were not actively seeking to, but it is also true that others got married only when they began actively seeking to get married. i.e. praying specifically for a partner and exercising scriptural faith in God [James 2:17-26] to provide a partner. The scriptures say,

"He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favour from the Lord." [Prov. 18:22]

Well how can you find when you are not seeking. However, we should always acknowledge that we need God’s favour to find that right person, for

If God has not provided you with a partner, because it is not His timing for you yet, then the best thing you can do is wait in a scriptural manner. There are numerous reasons why we may have to wait. These reasons may relate to ourselves, or to the individual we are going to marry (if you believe in the NCA or LCA).

If you claim to be waiting on the Lord, yet as far as the Lord is concerned, He is not keeping you waiting, then your waiting has no purpose and may not produce the fruit you are anticipating. Such waiting is not scriptural waiting. I am convinced that this is what is happening to many single people. They have been deceived into believing that God is putting them through a long test of waiting for a partner. As a result, many are now in their forties having been in church all their lives and have been longing to get married for more than twenty years!

When we examine the lives of Bible characters, who had to wait on the Lord, we find that it always produced fruit in their lives. The first type of fruit it produced was a significant change in character, for the better. However it also produced a second type of fruit, which is that their greatest need was met or their greatest dream fulfilled by God.

We see the evidence of these two types of fruit in the lives of several Bible characters such as:

Moses - A 40-year wait produced the following - Moses was the meekest man on earth in his day [Num. 12:3]. He also became the leader of the Israelites and led them out of slavery in Egypt.

Abraham - A 25 year wait produced Isaac, the son of promise [Genesis 21:1-3]. It also produced such Godly character in Abraham, that he was willing to obey God in an extremely controversial matter, the sacrificing of Isaac as an offering [Genesis 22:1-19].

Job - during a fiery trial, a wait of probably about 18 months (according to some scholars) produced repentance in Job [Job 42:1-6 ] and a much greater understanding of God in a man who probably thought he knew God quite well. Job also had his material goods restored two-fold and produced ten more children.

In contrast, what I see happening amongst singles is not the above. The characters of many singles are not getting better but bitter. Bitter out of sheer frustration and confusion as to why God is keeping them waiting. Also, a lot more people are joining the perpetual singleness cycle than are leaving it. But, if God is the cause of thousands of singles (mainly women) waiting on Him for partners long-term, then in the last few years dozens of women in their late thirties and early forties should have got married each year, because as many individuals should be leaving the cycle as are joining, but I did not see it happen.

What about if you are waiting on the Lord for a particular person? My advice is to make sure you are really waiting on the Lord and not just on the person. In other words, your focus should remain on the Lord and His purpose for your life, not on trying to get the person to say ‘yes’ to you. If you are truly waiting on the Lord and the potential person is showing no response, then maybe that is God’s answer to your prayer i.e. that person is not the one for you. However, when the focus of your waiting is on the prospective person, you may continue to wait for a long time ignoring all that God is saying to you and end up wasting a lot of very precious time.

In my experience, most individuals who have waited extended periods of time for one particular person have ended up disappointed. The relationship usually fails to materialise, although the individual was convinced that they were doing God’s will. My advice to any reader in this situation is to be very careful. I don’t believe God normally provides a mature person who is ready for marriage, with a partner who is unprepared, indifferent and indecisive. Don’t marry a prayer project! God has called you to be a spouse not a saviour! Marry someone who like you has been through God’s processes and is now ready for marriage. Someone who is getting ready may not be ready ten years from now. If you are ready, God is usually going to lead you to someone who is ready too.

I have heard some people say, "If God does not approve of this prospective relationship, why doesn’t He take away the affections I have for this person?" The answer is, because it is not His responsibility. If you discover that your affections are not in line with God’s will, then it is your responsibility to put those affections to death. The scriptures say,

" ….they that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts." [Gal. 5:24]

If you are unsure if the person you have in mind is the person for you, then my advice is not to pray about that person particularly, but to do more praying in the spirit [I Cor. 14:2]. Though your understanding may be unfruitful [I Cor. 14:14], your prayers will be accurate. Remember, in situations like these, allow the Holy Spirit to help you,

"Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now He that searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God." [Romans 8:26-27]

Don’t be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is for your life [Eph. 5:17]. If you’re waiting on the Lord today for a partner, make sure you stay within the boundaries of scriptural waiting, exercise scriptural faith and you shall receive scriptural fruit.

Blessings and Curses are a major theme of scripture; a read of Deuteronomy chapter 28 will confirm this. However, in this article my purpose is simply to give an outline of this theme and then begin to look specifically at how it relates to finding a partner. For a complete study on the theme of curses, I recommend the book by Derek Prince entitled: Blessing or Curse: You Can Choose! or his two-tape series: Release From the Curse. For either of these products visit: www.uk.derekprince.com

For the purpose of this study, it might be helpful to think of a curse as being the opposite of a blessing. When someone says they are blessed, what do they mean? What is a blessing? This is one of my definitions:

A blessing is when God sets supernatural power in motion on the behalf of an individual or group, causing prosperity in at least one specific area of the life of the individual or group. Thus, a blessing is like a vehicle through which purposeful, supernatural power operates, which can last for at least a thousand generations. A blessing does not only cause good to happen, but it stands up to and actively resists evil forces; it can thus cause circumstances to work out right, even when things seem to be going radically wrong.

A curse is when supernatural power is set in motion against an individual or group, causing poverty and / or destruction in at least one specific area of the life of the individual or group. Thus, a curse is like a vehicle through which purposeful supernatural power operates and can last for at least four generations. A curse does not only cause bad things to happen, but it can sometimes stand against and prevent good from happening; it can thus cause circumstances to go wrong, even when everything seems to be going right.

Although God’s love is unconditional, many of His blessings are conditional. One man’s disobedience can bring a curse upon an entire generation and one man’s obedience can bring about superabundant blessings upon a generation; such is the power that is released through blessings and curses. The scriptures state:

For if by the one man's offence death reigned through the one, much more those who receive abundance of grace and of the gift of righteousness will reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ.) Therefore, as through one man's offence judgment came to all men, resulting in condemnation, even so through one Man's righteous act the free gift came to all men, resulting in justification of life. For as by one man's disobedience many were made sinners, so also by one Man's obedience many will be made righteous. [Romans 5:17-19]

Read through the above scriptures carefully and timely and you will notice that the key phrases: one man or the one are consistently related to the following key words: those, all and many. In other words, the actions of one person (singular) affected many people (plural). So it is important for you and I to acknowledge, that our actions can affect others now, and can also affect those who are yet to be born. When Adam and Eve sinned they brought a curse upon mankind. In other words, evil forces were set in motion which caused destructive effects both on themselves, their future posterity, all living things and the earth itself. The effects of these curses meant that mankind became subject to poverty, sickness and spiritual death.

Thank God, Christ redeemed us from the curse, through His sacrifice on the cross:

Christ has redeemed us from the curse of the law, having become a curse for us (for it is written, "Cursed is everyone who hangs on a tree"), that the blessing of Abraham might come upon the Gentiles in Christ Jesus….. [Gal. 3:13-14a]

“…..He comes to make His blessings flow, far as the curse is found” states one line of the popular song, Joy to the World. However, what Christ has done is to make His provision available to us – it does not flow to us automatically. A person does not even qualify to appropriate the work of Christ fully until they are born-again, but even thereafter the appropriation of His provision is not automatic. Let us take the example of Fear (not the godly kind). Fear is clearly a consequence of the curse which man brought onto himself, through disobedience. The scripture below shows that it is first mentioned in the Bible after the fall:

So he said, "I heard Your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.” [Gen. 3:9-10]

Now, we know that through the work of Christ, God has released us from this type of fear:

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. [II Tim. 1:7]

For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father." [Rom. 8:15]

Yet many Christians are living their lives with many types of fear (including the fear of never finding a partner!) Why is this so when Christ came to release us from fear? Why are individuals not experiencing what legally belongs to them in Christ? The answer is, because they are not standing in their authority in Christ and using the Word of God to take a stand against the fear. You and I will not experience a lot of what belongs to us in Christ, unless we enforce Christ’s victory in the circumstances. We must enforce the law of the Spirit of life over the law of sin and death, which is producing the fear [Rom. 8:1]. An illustration of this is the role of the police in society.

Police do not make law, and neither the existence of law nor the presence of Police will always prevent individuals from committing crime. However, police are there to enforce the law, i.e. to see that the law is carried out. Where it is not, they have the authority to ensure that remedial action is taken.

Poverty is part of the curse which resulted from the fall, i.e. a perpetual lack of what is necessary to live life to the full, or a perpetual lack of enough of what is necessary to live life to the full [John 10:10b]. Thus not having the provision of a wife or a husband over a long period of time, can be a result of the curse at work. Read the following scriptures:

….seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. [Matthew 6:33]

......His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue…. [2 Peter 1:2-3]

When we read the above scriptures, it would not be out of order if many singles responded:

These are soul-searching questions which are rarely raised in the contemporary church, never mind answered. Either these scriptures are not telling us the truth, or we are missing it somewhere. It is definitely the latter, and the reason for the lack of victory may be because the individuals are not reinforcing the law of the Spirit of life over the curse of poverty. Now, please understand that I am not saying that a temporary lack of provision is a result of the curse. Adam obviously experienced a temporary lack of having a wife [Gen. 2:20b], but that’s all it was, temporary!

Someone may say, “suppose God does not want me to marry?” Well that’s fine, but if you are a mature believer, you should not be “supposing” about matters such as this, you should know. Paul knew God’s will in this area quite clearly, as the scripture clearly shows:

For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. [I Cor. 7:7-9]

So, to my readers I say, if you are living the Spirit-Filled lifestyle [Gal.5:16, Rom. 8:14], then how is it you don’t know whether or not God wants you to marry? Is God keeping it a secret? On the contrary, God wants you to be filled with the knowledge of His will says the scripture:

For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding [Colossians 1:9]

It goes without saying, if you are filled with the knowledge of His will, then you will know if God wants you to marry. Also, it is unwise not to understand the will of the Lord for your life - for how then can you be sure you are doing it?

Now, the mistake than some people make is to allow circumstances to dictate to them, i.e. they don’t believe it is God’s will for them to marry, simply because no-one has turned up yet or nothing has worked out yet. Of course, God can use circumstances to confirm His will to us, but we can’t let circumstances dictate when we know in our heart what is true. Think of the Christian entrepreneurs who have set up successful businesses, yet experienced many setbacks and disappointments before experiencing the breakthrough. If they had looked at the circumstances they would have concluded that it was not God’s will for them to set up their own businesses. But No! They knew inside that it was God’s will, and that is what kept them going until the brighter day came.

CONCLUSION

If you have come to the conclusion that God wants you to marry, then continue to hold fast to what He has placed in your heart and don’t be discouraged by the circumstances. Don’t allow the curse of poverty (perpetual lack) to prevent you from receiving the spouse that God has prepared for you.

In the previous article I stated that Blessings and Curses are major themes of scripture. However, in this and the previous article, my intention is simply to raise awareness of the issue of curses, and point to how it can affect singles seeking a lifetime partner. These articles are by no means a thorough study of the theme of curses, and any reader wishing to study this theme in depth, is recommended to read the book by Derek Prince entitled: Blessing or Curse: You Can Choose! Alternatively, you can listen to the two-tape series: Release From the Curse. To order either of these products visit: www.uk.derekprince.com

INTRODUCTION

As Christians, we are blessed because we have been made the righteousness of God in Christ, but we are also blessed as a direct result of living righteously. Likewise, mankind came under a curse as a direct result of Adam's fall, but the effect of sin on you and I as individuals is further compounded by our own personal sins and that of the people closest to us. Specific sins bring their own specific consequences, or we could say, specific sins bring the specific aspects of the curse which directly relate to those sins, 'closer to home'. Unless repented of and forsaken, these sins can 'lie at the door' [Genesis 2:7] of the individual and also their family. For example, Cain's great-great-great grandson, Lamech, turned out to be a murderer too [Genesis 4:23].

THE CONSEQUENCES OF FORGIVEN SIN

Even when there is repentance from sin, not all consequences can be avoided. When King David committed adultery and murder (though he did not carry out the murder himself), he brought a curse upon his family which caused an outbreak of gross sexual sin, murder and the death of a baby - all within King David's immediate family. [See II Samuel 11:1 - 18:33]

THE WOMEN OF JUDAH

Now, to the issue of finding a partner. In the Bible there seems to be only one specific description of a curse which was to result in multitudes of individuals being unable to find marriage partners. Although it happened in the Old Testament, under very different circumstances to that in which we may be living, it would be very unwise not to learn from the case to which I am referring, which is found in Isaiah and reads as follows:

Moreover the LORD says: "Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk with outstretched necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go, making a jingling with their feet, Therefore the Lord will strike with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion, and the LORD will uncover their secret parts." In that day the Lord will take away the finery: the jingling anklets, the scarves, and the crescents; The pendants, the bracelets, and the veils; The headdresses, the leg ornaments, and the headbands; the perfume boxes, the charms, and the rings; the nose jewels the festal apparel, and the mantles; the outer garments, the purses, and the mirrors; the fine linen, the turbans, and the robes. And so it shall be: instead of a sweet smell there will be a stench; instead of a sash, a rope; instead of well-set hair, baldness; instead of a rich robe, a girding of sackcloth; and branding instead of beauty. Your men shall fall by the sword, and your mighty in the war. Her gates shall lament and mourn, and she being desolate shall sit on the ground. And in that day seven women shall take hold of one man, saying, "We will eat our own food and wear our own apparel; only let us be called by your name, to take away our reproach." [Isaiah 3:16 - 4:1]

The tragic picture above describes the curse pronounced by God upon women of Judah. The women were married but they showed disrespect for the marriage vows, constantly ogling through their wanton eyes and showing exhibitions of haughtiness. This angered God, and the result of this judgemental curse, is that these women would have their husbands killed in war. The outworking of this curse would then produce a ratio in the land of seven women to one man. Women would then become so desperate not to be 'left on the shelf', that they would be willing to look after themselves with regards to food and clothing, just to have a husband. There is also a possibility that the scripture means that seven women would be willing to 'share' a man! What a lesson for us to learn!

When I survey the situation with the women of Judah and the reason why the curse came upon them, the two most prominent sins which stand out to me are haughtiness and wantonness. I would like to suggest that these are two sins which can still bring or keep those who wish to marry, under what I will call, 'the curse of perpetual singleness'.

HAUGHTINESS

Haughtiness is thinking of yourself more highly than you ought to think and looking down on others as being inferior to you. This type of attitude in people has caused many single people not to marry, when they had good opportunity to do so. In fact many single people are unmarried, not because God has not brought someone along, but simply because their haughty spirit would not permit them to marry the person. Maybe they thought that the person was not up to their standard, or they thought they were to good for that person, when really that person was God's choice of a partner for the individual.

I have heard several testimonies throughout the years, of couples whom God brought together, where at least one of the individuals initially did not want to marry the other. However, the individual sensed that the relationship was of God, so humbled him or herself and decided to obey God. This individual then genuinely fell in love with and married the person afterall and experienced a very happy married life together. Now, if God works like that in the lives of some individuals and then along comes a young man whom we will call Mark. Mark is seeking God concerning a partner and God does the same thing I have just described, leads him to someone whom he initially is not too excited about and in the end decides not to marry simply due to his haughtiness. Now, what is God expected to do in such a situation? As far as He is concerned, if other individuals can be humble enough to listen, trust and do His will, why not Mark? Does Mark think he is more special than other Christians in this world? Should God have to prepare and provide someone else for Mark, just to accommodate his haughtiness? Well, I am not going to answer those questions, but I will say that people like Mark may remain under the curse of perpetual singleness, because they do not realise that there is a price to be paid if you ignore when the Lord is speaking to you.

WANTONNESS

Wantonness in the context we are studying means 'to be lacking in appropriate sexual restraint'. Wantonness can keep singles under the curse of perpetual singleness, because it leads people to indulge in 'fantasy thinking'. This mentality causes individuals to ignore good potential partners along the path of life and only go for those who immediately 'turn them on'. Many television programmes and other forms of media are responsible for giving people the wrong idea of the type of spouse they should be looking for. The media particularly focuses on the eye gate, i.e the desires of the eyes [I John 2:16] and multitudes of individuals in church are now enslaved by the desires of their eyes. As a result, many individuals make a selection of a partner or a potential partner, basing 90% of their decision on what their eyes can see, hardly concerning themselves with the hidden things of the heart, i.e. the person's true character; yet we claim to be so spiritual! Some people can actually fall 'head over heels' in love with someone they hardly know anything about, and they repeatedly do this, repeatedly get hurt and perpetually remain single. Many individuals in church have seriously dated four or five different people, yet none of the relationships led to marriage. Why? One reason could be because every choice they made was based on the lust of their eyes. For some individuals, the lust of their eyes plays a far more prominent role in their choice of a partner, than the Holy Spirit of God.

CONCLUSION

Let us learn to exercise self-control and stop walking in wantonness. Let us humble ourselves before God and run with His agenda. I am certainly not saying that you should marry someone whom you don't feel comfortable about marrying, or someone with whom you are not in love, but attitude is paramount in all the issues of life. You can do what is right, yet God is not pleased about the attitude with which you do it. Therefore, if you desire the Holy Spirit to be your guide in finding a partner, then you must cultivate the right attitude towards Him, your fellow brethren and unbelievers too. Finally, let me say that the curse of perpetual singleness does not end with marriage, its aim is to bulldozer through and destroy marriage, bringing the individual back into the old cycle. Therefore, when you have finally found someone and get married, be careful not to forget the Lord, but to acknowledge Him in all your ways [Proverbs 3:6].

INTRODUCTION

Choosing not to believe and act on the Word of God is unbelief, which is another major reason for many singles remaining single. In the Bible, faith is not just about believing God's Word, but matching those beliefs with appropriate, corresponding actions. Therefore, anyone claiming to be exercising faith in God regarding a particular matter, should be careful to ensure that their actions correspond with what they claim to believe. Where this does not happen, the Bible says that faith is dead [James 2:26] and although such a person claims that they are 'believing God', their actions reveal that they are still in unbelief.

BELIEVING AND HAVING

With regards to the matter of praying for a partner. If you pray to the Lord for a partner, you should believe that you have received the partner when you pray [Mark 11:24] and the Lord will see to it that you have the partner [Mark 11:24]. During any gap that occurs between the believing and the having, you must be consistent in believing and confessing the Word of God regarding the situation and you must also carry out the appropriate corresponding actions. Anything short of what I have just described is unbelief.

Whilst discussing the details of how God led him into marriage, Johan Maasbach made this comment:

"There are people who think that they will always get what God has in store for them. However, I think that many Christians miss out on many of God's blessings because they don't put their faith into action at the right time. Faith without action is definitely dead! It is worth nothing! This is something which we have to learn and, sadly enough, there are few preachers who teach their people how to take possession of the promises of God by putting their faith into action." ⁴

I believe Maasbach's words are very accurate. For example, many ladies feel that they have to sit and wait for a gentleman to approach them, feeling that it is wrong for them to try to initiate. But is this scriptural or merely cultural? I say it is cultural, because Ruth clearly proposed to Boaz [Ruth 3:9] and gained to herself a wonderful husband. So, if we believe in the scripture as being our boundary, then it is within the boundary of scripture for a woman to initiate a romantic relationship.

Although what I am about to say applies both to ladies and gentlemen, I am going to specifically address the following comments to ladies. Ladies, if you believe that God has led you to the person he wants you to marry, then my question would be, what are you going to do about it? I'm not suggesting you propose to him or ask him out, but Bible-faith demands that you match your belief with corresponding actions, otherwise your faith will not produce. By the way, sorry to disappoint you, but I will not be giving any suggestions as to what constitutes appropriate actions, you must decide that for yourself.

Before I end, let me address two of the most common objections raised by ladies concerning taking the initiative in relationships:

My Response: God has not given you the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind [II Tim. 1:7]. Also, perfect love casts out fear [I John 4:18].

OBJECTION No. 2 - "I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO SHOW HIM THAT I'M INTERESTED, BECAUSE GOD WILL REVEAL IT TO HIM."

Response: Yes, but even if God reveals it to him, it is still scriptural in such matters to seek confirmation of God's will. Your actions may be the confirmation needed to bring about the relationship..

Corresponding actions can save you wasting time over a 'non-starter' relationship. After all, what is the point in being in love with someone 'secretly'. Talking to your friends as though something is going on, when the person you're in love with, has no idea about the matter. As well as talking to your friends about it, why not carry out actions which correspond with the love and believe you claim to have? It will very soon become manifest if the person is really interested in you, so you can know whether or not to pursue with the relationship. It is no use being in love with someone when it is clearly not mutual, don't waste your emotions!

In conclusion to this whole series, let me commend all of you who have read these words each month and thank those who have e-mailed me with their comments, which have all been positive. Look out next year for more Timely Words articles, but remember, all that you have read will do you no benefit, unless you put it into practice.

This is the final Part of this article. However, the latest article is available from the
Timely Words Menu

If reading this article has helped you, or you have any questions or comments relating to it,
please e-mail the author at david@kingship.co.uk

David A. King conducts workshops for Singles and those in Singles Ministry. He is an inspirational teacher and writer and a member of The New Testament Church of God in Birmingham, UK where he resides.

You can win a two-tape series by Derek Prince entitled:

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¹ D. Prince, God is a Matchmaker, Michigan: Fleming H. Revell, 1986, p. 116. Used by permission.
²D. Prince, God is a Matchmaker, Michigan: Fleming H. Revell, 1986, p. 116-117. Used by permission.
³F.J. Greve, Pastoral Counseling, Texas: ICI University 1995, pg.’s 94-95
⁴ J. Maasbach, Why I Preach Christ, The Hague: Gazon Publishing Company, p. 108

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